The feelings and emotions I experience are too intense to handle sometimes. To shield myself, I try to become “numb” so I don’t have to deal with what is going on. It’s not healthy but it’s how I have coped with events that have happened over the past three years.
I have been experiencing a mixed state for a while and my mind is so confused. I never know how I will feel when I wake up each day or how my mood will be throughout the course of a day. Will I be sad for most of the day, or will I experience a hyper mood later on?
When sad things or difficult situations happen, I transition into numbness by becoming “hyper”, because that way nothing can bother me. I try to appear “functional” by appearing “productive” and as if I am coping okay.
The problem is I make myself tired, and the feelings are ignored.
I typically experience anxiety every day in some form, but the severity varies. Last week I experienced an episode where I was convinced that I could not leave my home. I only felt safe there. It upset me because when I first experienced anxiety, I had agoraphobia and I know I do not want to experience that again.
In a numb state, you don’t feel, nothing bothers you, and you have a shell to protect you, but it doesn’t last forever and you do have to “feel” again. I want to be numb so I don’t have to feel anxiety or feel deep sadness.
Numbness may seem like a good state when you don’t want to face reality, but I have to stop using it as my defense mechanism before I burn out. Numbness is not self-care after all.