I always keep a journal in my purse in case I have ideas for blogs or thoughts I need to get out of my head. A few weeks ago I had this idea to make a list of things I “want” and how I “want to feel” and this was the result:
I want to feel unencumbered.
I want to know what it feels like not to hide in plain sight, what it feels like to be able to be easygoing, spontaneous and free, because I am none of the aforementioned.
I want that elephant sitting on my chest to find a new home; not in my brain or in another part of me, even if it’s temporary.
I want to know who “myself” is, so when someone says “You don’t seem like yourself” I know who they are talking about.
I want to stop looking over my shoulder, wondering when anxiety is coming.
I want to stop the feeling of suffocating from the inside.
I want to breathe deeply and take it all in.
I want to look in the mirror and recognize the person staring back at me.
I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.
I want to sleep and have good dreams and not dread going to sleep.
I want to be fearless.
I want to be courageous.
I want to make people understand what it feels like to have this brain.
I want to escape my thoughts.
I want a break from a racing mind overloaded with thoughts.
I want to shake it off, let it go, forgive and forget.