The bottle of pills is staring at me. It’s calling out my name. It’s within reach, but I am not going to be reliant on Clonazepam to get me through the rest of the week. I already took half of one today. I want to gain control of the situation, even though I know it’s okay to take it if I need it.
I haven’t seen my doctor since January 7th. I was supposed to have an appointment at the end of January but that was cancelled due to weather and then cancelled again due to a death in her family, and my next appointment is on Monday. I’ve never gone this long without going to my psychiatrist. It’s not that I need someone to hold my hand while I discuss my feelings and validate them. It’s not that I don’t have people to talk to, because I do. There is just something about seeing my doctor that helps me. She’s not there just to prescribe me pills. I have been seeing her for over 16 years, and I am used to my regular appointments.
I’ve made it this long, but I am trying to keep it together, I really am. I’m so nauseous, I can’t tell if it’s anxiety or something else but it really freaked me out this morning. Hence the need for Clonazepam. My boss could tell from my voice that something was off and sent me home and told me to just work from home.
I grabbed a couple files and went home. I haven’t exactly been productive- yet. I know I will get work done though, just at my own pace, even if it means working into the evening. As long as I put in the requisite number of hours, it doesn’t really matter when I do the work, right?
Anyways, back to how I am feeling today. So, I call this my “scary anxiety”, where I am absolutely terrified of the nausea and panicked. I was just panicked. I still am. I wasn’t having panic attack and I was okay when I left the house, but as I got closer to work I felt worse. It’s odd because I was in a great mood for a couple of days before that and wasn’t anxious. Why does anxiety come back when I need to be productive and go to work?!?
If I haven’t mentioned it before, I have emetophobia which makes me terrified of nausea for a very valid reason. I can’t get into it, because it will make me more anxious.
Even when I got home, I still didn’t feel better and I feel like I am getting worked up again. I am already worrying about tomorrow (thank you anxiety). I think I am thinking about “This time last year, this happened….and then that happened…” and recalling bad/upsetting things that have happened the past couple of years and having trouble dealing with it. I am not sure why the feelings are resurfacing now, but I am so f*cking frustrated with this brain of mine right now.
A couple weeks ago I went more than a week without Clonazepam (which is a big deal) and I was all proud of myself for meditating twice a day and feeling like it was making a difference and for feeling more “centred”. And then this happened. It doesn’t take much for anxiety to undo all your hard work, does it?
On my way home, I heard one of the songs on my “Feel Better Play List”, which made me tear up. It’s not even a sad song. I just always loved that song and usually it makes me smile, but today it made me want to cry. A couple hours ago I thought I really was going to bawl my eyes out. I don’t know what triggered the sadness, I guess the same thing that triggered the anxiety. Maybe compartmentalizing everything that has happened is backfiring on me and the dam I built is finally breaking.
I don’t think anxiety/panic attacks are cathartic, but I know having a good cry can be. Can this be subdued with a good cry? Maybe, maybe not. Do I need to take another Clonazepam later? Most likely. Is that a sign of weakness? No. Sometimes we all need a little help, and it can come in various forms.