Someone…please…find a way to ban me from googling medical conditions and from going down the “Dr. Google” rabbit hole. It’s full of despair and it torments me.
The internet has a way of picking up on your fears and phobias. I don’t know how these search engines are doing it (well I have some idea) but my phone suddenly becomes a torture device when I start googling what I think may be a minor health issue because thousands of results come up and once you start reading one article, you move on and wonder “Well…if I have this symptom, what if I have this one…and it leads to this…and that…and what if I really have this condition…”.
Yes. I definitely have something. It’s called HEALTH ANXIETY. It fuels my obsessive thinking and vice versa.
Yes, of course, another type of anxiety to add to my other anxiety disorders. It’s in good company.
Let’s be real anxiety sufferers (sorry, I can’t think of a better term at the moment), the pandemic has not been kind to us. Lockdowns, quarantine, public health guidelines including mandatory masks everywhere, information overload, false information…it’s too much.
I am exhausted. I am mentally drained from worry and fear. I had to stop watching the news and reading the news. Or looking at news apps (as much as possible).
Change is hard for many people, but change also fuels anxiety. Change is unknown. We don’t like the unknown. We are comfortable with the familiar. We crave the familiar.
I recently read something about how people with anxiety will re-watch movies or episodes of shows because they are familiar and know what to expect. Funny because that is what I have been doing lately. We’ve been watching Seinfeld (because laughing helps).
The familiar. Hmm…Is that why I can’t change my purse? Is that why I prefer to wear the same shoes or sweater? Probably. It’s like I think they bring me luck or if I wore them on a “good day” I figure maybe they are “safe” items.
If I didn’t think, I’d be MUCH happier. If I didn’t think, I’d be less anxious. I’d be less depressed. I’d be less (insert emotion or mood here). You get it. Oh, maybe I’d have more energy. That would be nice.
I don’t even know what state I am in right now. A mixed state most likely? Today I am unfocused and anxious, yet optimistic about things. My appetite is bad and I am not tired…Oops…I know where I am headed (hypomania here we come). Yesterday I was an emotional wreck, in tears, panicking, over-googling, bad appetite, didn’t sleep well, had nightmares (again).
Sidebar- What is with these nightmares? Is it anxiety? I wake up breathless sometimes or  overheated. Since the pandemic started, I have had insomnia and increased difficulties sleeping, which of course exacerbates everything. Of course, depression tells your mind one thing, hypomania the opposite, so it’s a war of the bipolar states. War of the moods. My thoughts are at war because on the one hand I am tired, but I am afraid of sleep because I am afraid of the nightmares. On the other hand, I could stay up late, watch one more episode of the show I like, have more “awake” time and push my limits. So I stay up too late and I drain myself to the point of exhaustion so that I can’t fight off sleep.
Okay back to the bipolar state thing.
Bipolar is cyclical. These strong emotions and moods repeat themselves. I can’t prevent them. I can try to mitigate the damage they do.
I had to plead with myself yesterday not to order more than just the book I wanted off Amazon, though I had other things in my cart. I was proud of myself when I was able to click “save for later’ instead of purchasing them too. Sure it’s great to accumulate points on your Visa, but I have spent way too much time during the last few months ordering things online and overspent.
The other day I was so preoccupied I threw out the vegetables I just cut up by accident and I dumped a whole pot of pasta directly into the sink. Yeah…Chef Melanie over here. I was mad at myself but had to tell myself it is just food and it wasn’t a big deal. It happens. Sh*t happens.
It’s been a really long time since I posted a blog. I just had no motivation or desire to write. I still am struggling with motivation but that’s nothing new.
Getting my thoughts out has taken a lot of effort. Now I really feel tired. Wish me luck with sleep later.
Categories: Bipolar Disorder
Melanie L.
Mental health advocate. Blogger. Writer. Creative being. Sensitive soul.
(Also law clerk, social media writer/marketer and book worm).
Bipolar Musings 
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